creative or fashion…forward enough to even think of wearing a suit； let alone the shimmery coral
pink Chanel lipstick she？d bought especially for the day or the simple pearls she？d chosen for her
ears。 She？d memorized her speech and kept reciting it over and over in her head； bouncing on the
balls of her feet to keep her circulation going and her adrenaline level high。
Thank you for ing； ladies and gentlemen。 And thank you to the senior class for electing me
as its speaker。 You know； some of us girls have been together since kindergarten。 We learned to
read together。 We lost our baby teeth together。 We learned how to get the most Oreos at recess
together。 And as the years went by； we learned not to crack under pressure together。 Now here we
are； college…bound； and we？re all still friends。 How could we not be？
There？s something else I learned at Constance that I wanted to share with you today： how to get
what you want。 ？
？Has anyone seen Serena？？ Nicki Button asked loudly as she examined her beady brown eyes in
a pact and tugged on her sweet； drop…waist； flapper…style graduation dress。 ？Can you believe I
bought this at achildren？s vintage clothing boutique？？ she asked for the tenth time so everyone
could remark on how tiny and skinny she was。
？And what about Vanessa？？ Laura Salmon added； sucking in her breath as she tried to tighten the
semi…inappropriate lace…up bodice on her corset…style Alexander McQueen dress。
？You？d think they could try not to be late just this once；？ Rain Hoffstetter put in； helping Laura
with her laces and trying not to bang into anyone in her inexplicably pouffy Christian Lacroix
number。
Blair looked around。 She？d been so preoccupied with going over her speech； she hadn？t even
noticed： Vanessa and Serena were missing。
Hello？
？It？s nearly ten…thirty；？ Mrs。 McLean announced urgently； clapping her meaty； freckled hands
together to call the girls to order。 ？We？ll just have to start without them。？
Blair spun her ruby ring around and around on the ring finger of her left hand。 Serena and
Vanessa were going tomiss graduation？！ But they？d miss her speech； and anyway；where the fuck
were they？？！！
Mrs。 Weeds； Constance？s frizzy…haired hippie music teacher； banged out a few chords on the
organ； her fat shoulder blades jiggling in a strapless Laura Ashley number。 ？All right； girls； this is
it！？ Mrs。 McLean shouted excitedly。 ？Your last hurrah as Constance girls。？ She raised her freckled
fist in the air； her red； white； and blue Talbots special…occasion suit wrinkling with the
strain。 ？Make it a good one！？ she added； looking dykier than ever。
？Ooh！？ the audience gasped as the girls began to march into the main hall of the church and
down the lily…strewn center aisle in time to the music； looking like crosses between runway
models and mail…order brides。
Eleanor Waldorf Rose sat between her husband of less than one year； Cyrus Rose； and Blair？s
twelve…year…old brother； Tyler。 Eleanor was the only woman in the room wearing a wide…brimmed
dove gray Philip Treacy hat with actual dove feathers in it。
Exactly where did she think she was？England？
Cyrus Rose was wearing a remarkably ugly avocado…colored double…breasted Hugo Boss suit and
was jiggling Yale； Blair？s six…week…old baby sister； on his knee。 Yale had on the Burberry kilt
Blair had bought for her even before she was born and a white eyelet onesie that Blair had ordered
from Oeuf； a baby boutique in Paris。 Tyler looked hungover。 Or maybe Blair just hadn？t seen him
in so long； she？d forgotten what he looked like even though he was her brother。 And Aaron
appeared to be missing。
Wonder why。
When Blair reached their pew； Eleanor leapt to her feet and blew her a kiss； snapping away with
her baby pink Nokia camera…phone while tears oozed down her overly rouged cheeks。 ？We？re so
proud of you；？ she gushed in a voice that was definitely louder than a whisper。
Farther down the aisle Mrs。 van der Woodsen caught Blair？s eye and beamed at her proudly； as if
Blair were her own daughter。 Blair shrugged her shoulders apologetically； although she was pretty
sure Serena？s mom hadn？t quite realized that Serena was missing。 Poor Mr。 and Mrs。 van der
Woodsen。 Even Erik； Serena？s hot junior…at…Brown brother whom Blair had almost lost her
virginity to over spring break； was there。
Blair had never met Vanessa？s parents； but Vanessa had described them to her pretty well； and
she didn？t see any gray…haired； inappropriately dressed hippies in the audience。 She decided to
keep her eyes on the chestnut brown ponytail of the girl in front of her in line； who happened to be
Rain Hoffstetter； whom she happened to kind of hate。 All Blair had to do was make her speech；
which she？d memorized so thoroughly； she could recite it in her sleep； and then get her diploma。
Then she was going to have the best graduation party anyone had ever been to； have sex with
Marcus； take a carriage ride in Central Park； and then he？d ask her to marry him。 ？ Her eyes
misted over dreamily and she stepped on the back of Rain？s puffy white dress； nearly knocking
her over。
Focus； focus！
One by one the girls filed in and seated themselves in the first three rows of pews。 Thirty…four
seniors in total； not counting the missing two。 Mrs。 McLean stood at the pulpit； waiting to address
the outgoing class and their families。 Blair would give her speech directly afterwards； and then the
guest speaker； ？Auntie Lynn；？ some old lady who？d basically founded the Girl Scouts or
something； was supposed to talk。 Auntie Lynn was already leaning on her metal walker in the front
row； wearing a poo…brown pantsuit and hearing aids in both ears； looking sleepy and bored。 After
she spoke？or keeled over and died； whichever came first？Mrs。 McLean would hand out the
diplomas。
Mrs。 Weeds crashed through the last few chords of ？Pomp and Circumstance。？ ？Let us pray；？
Mrs。 McLean directed somberly and bowed her head。 The headmistress had bee deeply
religious after her husband； Randall； had died in a deep…sea fishing accident in the Florida Keys。
At least； that was the story the girls told； along with the one about Mrs。 McLean？s girlfriend；
Vonda； who lived in Mrs。 McLean？s country house up in Woodstock； New York； and drove a
tractor。 Mrs。 McLean had the wordsRide me； Vonda tattooed on her inner thigh。 There was even a
rumor that Vonda used tobe Randall； but none of the girls knew for sure。
？I heard Serena and Nate eloped to Mustique。 That？s why she？s not here；？ Rain whispered to
Laura。 ？She？s wearing her graduation dress as a wedding dress。 Remember how we saw her trying
on that veil in Vera Wang？？ she added knowingly。
？And I heard Vanessa is pregnant；？ Laura replied。 ？She？s up in Vermont with her parents； dealing。
I guess she？ll probably still get her diploma anyway。？
Blair tried unsuccessfully not to listen； but of course she was dying to know where Serena and
Vanessa were herself。 Had Vanessa gone off somewhere with Aaron？ Or Dan？ Had Serena and
Natereally eloped？ It was such a crazy day and such a crazy time in their liv