call that standing？ Better give in and drown at once。
And upon what could he stand； save upon a woman？ Was he then
like the old man of the seas； impotent to move save upon the
back of another life？ Was he impotent； or a cripple； or a
defective； or a fragment？
It was black； mad； shameful torture； the frenzy of fear； the
frenzy of desire； and the horrible； grasping back…wash of
shame。
What was he afraid of？ Why did life； without Anna； seem to
him just a horrible welter； everything jostling in a
meaningless； dark； fathomless flood？ Why； if Anna left him even
for a week； did he seem to be clinging like a madman to the edge
of reality； and slipping surely； surely into the flood of
unreality that would drown him。 This horrible slipping into
unreality drove him mad； his soul screamed with fear and
agony。
Yet she was pushing him off from her； pushing him away；
breaking his fingers from their hold on her； persistently；
ruthlessly。 He wanted her to have pity。 And sometimes for a
moment she had pity。 But she always began again； thrusting him
off； into the deep water； into the frenzy and agony of
uncertainty。
She became like a fury to him； without any sense of him。 Her
eyes were bright with a cold； unmoving hatred。 Then his heart
seemed to die in its last fear。 She might push him off into the
deeps。
She would not sleep with him any more。 She said he destroyed
her sleep。 Up started all his frenzy and madness of fear and
suffering。 She drove him away。 Like a cowed； lurking devil he
was driven off； his mind working cunningly against her； devising
evil for her。 But she drove him off。 In his moments of intense
suffering； she seemed to him inconceivable； a monster； the
principle of cruelty。
However her pity might give way for moments； she was hard and
cold as a jewel。 He must be put off from her； she must sleep
alone。 She made him a bed in the small room。
And he lay there whipped； his soul whipped almost to death；
yet unchanged。 He lay in agony of suffering； thrown back into
unreality； like a man thrown overboard into a sea； to swim till
he sinks； because there is no hold； only a wide； weltering
sea。
He did not sleep； save for the white sleep when a thin veil
is drawn over the mind。 It was not sleep。 He was awake； and he
was not awake。 He could not be alone。 He needed to be able to
put his arms round her。 He could not bear the empty space
against his breast； where she used to be。 He could not bear it。
He felt as if he were suspended in space； held there by the grip
of his will。 If he relaxed his will would fall； fall through
endless space； into the bottomless pit； always falling；
will…less； helpless； non…existent； just dropping to extinction；
falling till the fire of friction had burned out； like a falling
star； then nothing； nothing； plete nothing。
He rose in the morning grey and unreal。 And she seemed fond
of him again； she seemed to make up to him a little。
〃I slept well；〃 she said； with her slightly false brightness。
〃Did you？〃
〃All right；〃 he answered。
He would never tell her。
For three or four nights he lay alone through the white
sleep； his will unchanged； unchanged； still tense； fixed in its
grip。 Then； as if she were revived and free to be fond of him
again； deluded by his silence and seeming acquiescence； moved
also by pity； she took him back again。
Each night； in spite of all the shame； he had waited with
agony for bedtime； to see if she would shut him out。 And each
night； as； in her false brightness； she said Good night； he felt
he must kill her or himself。 But she asked for her kiss； so
pathetically； so prettily。 So he kissed her； whilst his heart
was ice。
And sometimes he went out。 Once he sat for a long time in the
church porch； before going in to bed。 It was dark with a wind
blowing。 He sat in the church porch and felt some shelter； some
security。 But it grew cold； and he must go in to bed。
Then came the night when she said； putting her arms round him
and kissing him fondly：
〃Stay with me to…night； will you？〃
And he had stayed without demur。 But his will had not
altered。 He would have her fixed to him。
So that soon she told him again she must be alone。
〃I don't want to send you away。 I want to sleep
with you。 But I can't sleep； you don't let me sleep。〃
His blood turned black in his veins。
〃What do you mean by such a thing？ It's an arrant lie。 I
don't let you sleep〃
〃But you don't。 I sleep so well when I'm alone。 And I can't
sleep when you're there。 You do something to me； you put a
pressure on my head。 And I must sleep； now the child is
ing。〃
〃It's something in yourself；〃 he replied； 〃something wrong in
you。〃
Horrible in the extreme were these nocturnal bats； when
all the world was asleep； and they two were alone； alone in the
world； and repelling each other。 It was hardly to be borne。
He went and lay down alone。 And at length； after a grey and
livid and ghastly period； he relaxed； something gave way in him。
He let go； he did not care what became of him。 Strange and dim
he became to himself； to her； to everybody。 A vagueness had e
over everything； like a drowning。 And it was an infinite relief
to drown； a relief； a great； great relief。
He would insist no more； he would force her no more。 He would
force himself upon her no more。 He would let go； relax； lapse；
and what would be； should be。
Yet he wanted her still； he always； always wanted her。 In his
soul； he was desolate as a child； he was so helpless。 Like a
child on its mother； he depended on her for his living。 He knew
it； and he knew he could hardly help it。
Yet he must be able to be alone。 He must be able to lie down
alongside the empty space； and let be。 He must be able to leave
himself to the flood； to sink or live as might be。 For he
recognized at length his own limitation； and the limitation of
his power。 He had to give in。
There was a stillness； a wanness between them。 Half at least
of the battle was over。 Sometimes she wept as she went about；
her heart was very heavy。 But the child was always warm in her
womb。
They were friends again； new； subdued friends。 But there was
a wanness between them。 They slept together once more； very
quietly； and distinct； not one together as before。 And she was
intimate with him as at first。 But he was very quiet； and not
intimate。 He was glad in his soul； but for the time being he was
not alive。
He could sleep with her； and let her be。 He could be alone
now。 He had just learned what it was to be able to be alone。 It
was right and peaceful。 She had given him a new； deeper freedom。
The world might be a welter of uncertainty； but he was himself
now。 He had e into his own existence。 He was born for a
second time； born at last unto himself； out of the vast body of
humanity。 Now at last he had a separate identity； he existed
alone； even if he were not quite alone。 Before he had only
existed in so far as he had relations with another being。 Now he
had an absolute self……as well as a relative self。
But it was a very dumb； weak； helpless self； a crawling
nursling。 He went about very quiet； and in a way； submissive。 He
had an unalterable self at last； free