People gathered round； students and staff； and in the mild din of half heard remarks and orbiting voices I realized we were now a crowd。 Not that I needed a crowd around me now。 Least of all now。 Death was strictly a professional matter here。 I was fortable with it； I was on top of it。 Murray made his way to my side and escorted me from the room； parting the crowd with his fluttering hand。
16
This was the day Wilder started crying at two in the afternoon。 At six he was still crying； sitting on the kitchen floor and looking through the oven window； and we ate dinner quickly； moving around him or stepping over him to reach the stove and refrigerator。 Babette watched him as she ate。 She had a class to teach in sitting； standing and walking。 It would start in an hour and a half。 She looked at me in a drained and supplicating way。 She'd spoken soothingly to him； hefted and caressed him； checked his teeth； given him a bath； examined him； tickled him； fed him； tried to get him to crawl into his vinyl play tunnel。 Her old people would be waiting in the church basement。
It was rhythmic crying； a measured statement of short urgent pulses。 At times it seemed he would break off into a whimper； an animal plaint； irregular and exhausted； but the rhythm held； the heightened beat； the washed pink sorrow in his face。
〃We'll take him to the doctor；〃 I said。 〃Then I'll drop you at the church。〃
〃Would the doctor see a crying child？ Besides； his doctor doesn't have hours now。〃
〃What about your doctor？〃
〃I think he does。 But a crying child； Jack。 What can I say to the man？ 'My child is crying。'〃
〃Is there a condition more basic？〃
There'd been no sense of crisis until now。 Just exasperation and despair。 But once we decided to visit the doctor； we began to hurry； to fret。 We looked for Wilder's jacket and shoes； tried to remember what he'd eaten in the last twenty…four hours； anticipated questions the doctor would ask and rehearsed our answers carefully。 It seemed vital to agree on the answers even if we weren't sure they were correct。 Doctors lose interest in people who contradict each other。 This fear has long informed my relationship with doctors； that they would lose interest in me； instruct their receptionists to call other names before mine； take my dying for granted。
I waited in the car while Babette and Wilder went into the medical building at the end of Elm。 Doctors' offices depress me even more than hospitals do because of their air of negative expectancy and because of the occasional patient who leaves with good news； shaking the doctor's antiseptic hand and laughing loudly； laughing at everything the doctor says； booming with laughter； with crude power； making a point of ignoring the other patients as he walks past the waiting room still laughing provocatively— he is already clear of them； no longer associated with their weekly gloom； their anxious inferior dying。 I would rather visit an emergency ward； some urban well of trembling； where people e in gut…shot； slashed； sleepy…eyed with opium pounds； broken needles in their arms。 These things have nothing to do with my own eventual death； nonviolent； small…town； thoughtful。
They came out of the small bright lobby onto the street。 It was cold； empty and dark。 The boy walked next to his mother； holding her hand； still crying； and they seemed a picture of such amateurish sadness and calamity that I nearly started laughing—laughing not at the sadness but at the picture they made of it； at the disparity between their grief and its appearances。 My feelings of tenderness and pity were undermined by the sight of them crossing the sidewalk in their bundled clothing； the child determinedly weeping； his mother drooping as she walked； wild…haired； a wretched and pathetic pair。 They were inadequate to the spoken grief； the great single…minded anguish。 Does this explain the existence of professional mourners？ They keep a wake from lapsing into ic pathos。
〃What did the doctor say？〃
〃Give him an aspirin and put him to bed。〃
〃That's what Denise said。〃
〃I told him that。 He said； 'Well； why didn't you do it？'〃
〃Why didn't we？〃
〃She's a child； not a doctor—that's why。〃
〃Did you tell him that？〃
〃I don't know what I told him；〃 she said； 〃I'm never in control of what I say to doctors； much less what they say to me。 There's some kind of disturbance in the air。〃
〃I know exactly what you mean。〃
〃It's like having a conversation during a spacewalk； dangling in those heavy suits。〃
〃Everything drifts and floats。〃
〃I lie to doctors all the time。〃
〃So do I。〃
〃But why？〃 she said。
As I started the car I realized his crying had changed in pitch and quality。 The rhythmic urgency had given way to a sustained； inarticulate and mournful sound。 He was keening now。 These were expressions of Mideastern lament； of an anguish so accessible that it rushes to overwhelm whatever immediately caused it。 There was something permanent and soul…struck in this crying。 It was a sound of inbred desolation。
〃What do we do？〃
〃Think of something；〃 she said。
'There's still fifteen minutes before your class is due to start。 Let's take him to the hospital； to the emergency entrance。 Just to see what they say。〃
〃You can't take a child to an emergency ward because he's crying。 If anything is not an emergency； this would be it。〃
〃I'll wait in the car；〃 I said。
〃What do I tell them？ 'My child is crying。' Do they even have an emergency ward？〃
〃Don't you remember？ We took the Stovers this past summer。〃
〃Why？〃
〃Their car was being repaired。〃
〃Never mind。〃
〃They inhaled the spray mist from some kind of stain remover。〃
〃Take me to my class；〃 she said。
Posture。 When I pulled up in front of the church； some of her students were walking down the steps to the basement entrance。 Babette looked at her son—a searching； pleading and desperate look。 He was in the sixth hour of his crying。 She ran along the sidewalk and into the building。
I thought of taking him to the hospital。 But if a doctor who examined the boy thoroughly in his cozy office with paintings on the wall in elaborate gilded frames could find nothing wrong； then what could emergency technicians do； people trained to leap on chests and pound at static hearts？
I picked him up and set him against the steering wheel； facing me； his feet on my thighs。 The huge lament continued； wave on wave。 It was a sound so large and pure I could almost listen to it； try consciously to apprehend it； as one sets up a mental register in a concert hall or theater。 He was not sniveling or blubbering。 He was crying out； saying nameless things in a way that touched me with its depth and richness。 This was an ancient dirge all the more impressive for its resolute monotony。 Ululation。 I held him upright with a hand under each arm。 As the crying continued； a curious shift developed in my thinking。 I found that I did not necessarily wish him to stop。 It might not be so terrible； I thought； to have to sit and listen to this a while longer。 We looked at each other。 Behind that dopey countenance； a plex intelligence operated。 I h