But he married my mother soon after； and I remember he seemed exactly
the same； to my keen childish observation； the week after her death as
before。 But now； at last； a sorrow had ethe sorrow of old age；
which suffers the more from the crushing of its pride and its hopes； in
proportion as the pride and hope are narrow and prosaic。 His son was to
have been married soonwould probably have stood for the borough at the
next election。 That son's existence was the best motive that could be
alleged for making new purchases of land every year to round off the
estate。 It is a dreary thing onto live on doing the same things year after
year； without knowing why we do them。 Perhaps the tragedy of
disappointed youth and passion is less piteous than the tragedy of
disappointed age and worldliness。
As I saw into the desolation of my father's heart； I felt a movement of
deep pity towards him； which was the beginning of a new affectionan
affection that grew and strengthened in spite of the strange bitterness with
which he regarded me in the first month or two after my brother's death。
If it had not been for the softening influence of my passion for him
the first deep passion I had ever feltI should have been stung by the
perception that my father transferred the inheritance of an eldest son to me
with a mortified sense that fate had pelled him to the unwele
course of caring for me as an important being。 It was only in spite of
himself that he began to think of me with anxious regard。 There is hardly
any neglected child for whom death has made vacant a more favoured
place； who will not understand what I mean。
Gradually； however； my new deference to his wishes； the effect of that
patience which was born of my pity for him； won upon his affection； and
he began to please himself with the endeavour to make me fill any
brother's place as fully as my feebler personality would admit。 I saw that
the prospect which by and by presented itself of my being Bertha's
husband was wele to him； and he even contemplated in my case what
he had not intended in my brother'sthat his son and daughter…in…law
should make one household with him。 My softened feelings towards my
father made this the happiest time I had known since childhood；these last
months in which I retained the delicious illusion of loving Bertha； of
longing and doubting and hoping that she might love me。 She behaved
with a certain new consciousness and distance towards me after my
brother's death； and I too was under a double constraint that of delicacy
towards my brother's memory and of anxiety as to the impression my
abrupt words had left on her mind。 But the additional screen this mutual
reserve erected between us only brought me more pletely under her
power： no matter how empty the adytum； so that the veil be thick
enough。 So absolute is our soul's need of something hidden and
uncertain for the maintenance of that doubt and hope and effort which are
the breath of its life； that if the whole future were laid bare to us beyond
to…day； the interest of all mankind would be bent on the hours that lie
between； we should pant after the uncertainties of our one morning and
our one afternoon； we should rush fiercely to the Exchange for our last
possibility of speculation； of success； of disappointment： we should have a
glut of political prophets foretelling a crisis or a no…crisis within the only
twenty…four hours left open to prophecy。 Conceive the condition of the
human mind if all propositions whatsoever were self…evident except one；
which was to bee self…evident at the close of a summer's day； but in
the meantime might be the subject of question； of hypothesis； of debate。
Art and philosophy； literature and science； would fasten like bees on that
one proposition which had the honey of probability in it； and be the more
eager because their enjoyment would end with sunset。 Our impulses； our
spiritual activities； no more adjust themselves to the idea of their future
nullity； than the beating of our heart； or the irritability of our muscles。
Bertha； the slim； fair…haired girl； whose present thoughts and emotions
were an enigma to me amidst the fatiguing obviousness of the other minds
around me； was as absorbing to me as a single unknown to…dayas a
single hypothetic proposition to remain problematic till sunset； and all the
cramped； hemmed…in belief and disbelief； trust and distrust； of my nature；
welled out in this one narrow channel。
And she made me believe that she loved me。 Without ever quitting
her tone of BADINAGE and playful superiority； she intoxicated me with
the sense that I was necessary to her； that she was never at ease； unless I
was near her； submitting to her playful tyranny。 It costs a woman so little
effort to beset us in this way！ A half… repressed word； a moment's
unexpected silence； even an easy fit of petulance on our account； will
serve us as hashish for a long while。 Out of the subtlest web of scarcely
perceptible signs； she set me weaving the fancy that she had always
unconsciously loved me better than Alfred； but that； with the ignorant
fluttered sensibility of a young girl； she had been imposed on by the charm
that lay for her in the distinction of being admired and chosen by a man
who made so brilliant a figure in the world as my brother。 She satirized
herself in a very graceful way for her vanity and ambition。 What was it
to me that I had the light of my wretched provision on the fact that now it
was I who possessed at least all but the personal part of my brother's
advantages？ Our sweet illusions are half of them conscious illusions；
like effects of colour that we know to be made up of tinsel； broken glass；
and rags。
We were married eighteen months after Alfred's death； one cold； clear
morning in April； when there came hail and sunshine both together； and
Bertha； in her white silk and pale…green leaves； and the pale hues of her
hair and face； looked like the spirit of the morning。 My father was
happier than he had thought of being again： my marriage； he felt sure；
would plete the desirable modification of my character； a