permission to cry。
“Don’t be afraid；” I said。 “Your mother is crying so the neighbors will know
of your grandfather’s death and pay their respects。”
“What difference does it make if they e？” Shevket asked。
“If they e； they’ll be sad and mourn with us over his death。 That way
we can share the burden of our pain。”
“Did you kill my grandfather？” shouted Shevket。
“If you’re going to upset your mother； don’t expect any affection from
me！” I shouted back。
We didn’t shout at each other like stepfather and stepson； but like two men
talking by the banks of a loud rushing river。 Shekure stepped out into the
hallway and was forcing the wooden slats of the window trying to throw open
the shutters so her shouts could be better heard throughout the
neighborhood。
I left the room to join her。 We both tried to force the window。 With a final
bined effort； the shutters came loose and fell into the courtyard。 Sunlight
and cold struck our faces and we were stunned momentarily。 Shekure
screamed； crying her heart out。
Enishte Effendi’s death； once announced by her cries； turned into a much
more tragic and agonizing pain。 Whether sincere or feigned； my wife’s crying
tormented me。 Unexpectedly； I began to weep。 I didn’t even know if I was
crying sincerely out of grief or was merely pretending for fear of being held
responsible for my Enishte’s death。
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“He’s gone； gone； gone； my dear father’s gone！” cried Shekure。
My sobs and laments mimicked hers； though I didn’t exactly know what I
was saying。 I was worried about how I looked to the neighbors staring at us
from their houses； from behind cracked doors and between shutter slats； and
wondered how fitting my behavior was。 As I cried； I felt purged of doubts
about whether my agony was genuine； of apprehensions about being accused
of murder and of the fear of Hasan and his men。
Shekure was mine and it was as if I were celebrating with shouts and tears。 I
drew my sobbing wife close to me； and without paying any heed to the tearful
children approaching us； I lovingly kissed her cheek and inhaled the scent of
the almond trees of our youth。
Together with the children； we walked back to where the body lay。 I said；
“La ilahe illallah； there is no God but Allah” as though addressing not a reeking
two…day…old corpse but a dying man whom I wanted to reaffirm the words of
witness； I wanted my Enishte to go to Heaven with these words on his lips。 We
pretended that he’d repeated them； and smiled for a moment as we gazed at
his nearly destroyed face and battered head。 I opened my palms to Heaven and
recited from the “Ya Sin” chapter while the others listened quietly。 With a
clean piece of gauze that Shekure brought into the room； we carefully bound
my Enishte’s mouth shut； tenderly closed his ravaged eyes and gently rolled
him over onto his right side； arranging his head so it faced Mecca。 Shekure
spread a clean white sheet over her father。
I was pleased that the children were watching everything so intensely and
by the quiet that followed the wailing。 I felt like somebody with a real wife and
children； with a hearth and home。
One by one； I collected the pictures into a portfolio； donned my heavy
caftan and hastily fled the house。 I headed directly for the neighborhood
mosque； pretending not to see one of the neighbors—an elderly woman with
a snot…nosed grandchild who was clearly jubilant about all the sudden activity：
They’d heard our cries and had eagerly e to enjoy our pain。
The tiny hole in the wall that the preacher called his “house” was
embarrassingly small next to the ostentatious structure with its enormous
domes and expansive courtyard； typical of the mosques that were being
constructed lately。 The preacher； in what I’d observed as a custom of
increasing frequency； was extending the boundaries of his cold； little rat hole
of a “home；” and had usurped the entire mosque； without the least concern
over the faded and dingy wash his wife had hung between two chestnut trees
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at the edge of the courtyard。 We avoided the attacks of two brutish dogs that
had claimed the courtyard； just like the Imam Effendi and his family； and after
the preacher’s sons chased the beasts away with sticks and excused themselves；
the preacher and I retired to a private corner。
After yesterday’s divorce proceedings； and in light of the fact that we hadn’t
asked him to perform the wedding ceremony； which I was certain had upset
him； I could read a “For goodness sake； what brings you here now？” upon his
face。
“Enishte Effendi passed away this morning。”
“May God have mercy upon him。 May he find a home in Heaven！” he said
benevolently。 Why had I senselessly implicated myself by tacking the words
“this morning” onto my statement？ I dropped another gold piece into his
hand； identical to the ones I’d given him yesterday。 I requested that he recite
the death prayer before the azan and appoint his brother as crier to go around
announcing the death to the entire neighborhood。
“My brother has a dear friend who is half blind； together； we are expert at
carrying out the final ablutions of the deceased；” he said。
What could be more suitable than having a blind man and a half…wit wash
Enishte Effendi’s body？ I explained to him that the ritual funeral prayer would
be performed in the afternoon and that notables and crowds from the palace；
the guilds and theological schools would be attending。 I didn’t attempt to
explain the state of Enishte Effendi’s face and battered head； having long
decided that the matter needed to be addressed at a higher level。
Since Our Sultan had entrusted the balance of the funds for the book that
He’d missioned from my Enishte to the Head Treasurer； I had to report
the death to him before anyone else。 To this end； I sought out an upholsterer； a
relative on my late father’s side； who’d worked in the tailors’ work stalls
opposite Coldfountain Gate ever since I was a child。 When I found him； I
kissed his mottled hand and explained imploringly that I needed to see the
Head Treasurer。 He had me wait among his balding apprentices who were
sewing curtains； doubled over the multicolored silk spread over their laps；
then； he had me follow a head tailor’s assistant who； I learned； was going to
the palace to take measurements。 When we climbed up to the Parade Square
through Coldfountain Gate I knew I’d be able to avoid passing the workshop
opposite the Hagia Sophia； and thus； I was spared from announcing the crime
to the other miniaturists。
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The Parade Square seemed abustle now； whereas it usually seemed empty to
me。 Though there wasn’t a single person at the Petitioner’s Gate； before which
petitioners would line up on days when the Divan co